It's back!

Have you ever been in a place in your own mind where it scares you? Have you ever thought of things that will haunt you? Maybe even make you afraid of sleeping?

Well I have been afraid for days, It came back and I know it may seem overly dramatic but I can't help it. It has come to a point where I wanted to slit my own wrist. Yes, it is an option for bearing this kind of problem will make you want to take your own life.

Taking ones life is a really scary thing to think of, that is why I made a blog for rants to keep my mind from bursting. There are lots of things going on in my mind right now that even the smallest of negative thoughts are amplified.

In this kind of situation, you will feel alone, hopeless and even lifeless.

You will lose the desire to interact with people and it takes its toll on my chosen career since I am now doing business and it involves interacting with people. So yes, it makes me even more sad to think that I am now failing in the business world.

I still have happy thoughts though, but depressing thoughts are stronger than they ever were.

I would really love to seek help from professionals but I need to save money for that for it costs a lot to seek medical help for depression.

I have been fighting a losing fight if you ask me. I battle depression on a daily basis, it's like my own frenemy (Friend + enemy). It goes with me wherever I go and I hate it.

Right now, I am clueless in regards with what to do with this. Maybe I should carry on with my life knowing that I am feeling so down? Maybe the point of having this kind of situation is for me to suffer, right?

I wish I had some easy explanation as to why I feel like crap. My parents are even confused of my current situation. Sometimes I don't feel like eating and sometimes I feel like eating so much food that it makes me sick to the bones.

Now that is a really confusing thing for someone to undergo through but I know somehow, someday I will survive this mess. I will see the light at the end of this dark tunnel I've been going. I know it.

All I need is to be faithful to a God that he will protect and keep me from harm. . . .

Puzzles

When you say group of friends, do they mirror you as a person? do they have the qualities like you?

I always hear my father say, "Tell me who your friends are and I'll tell you who are. . . " Do the people that surrounds you define who you are?

Let us put yourself in a situation where you are surrounded by four guys, YOU are the fifth. One guy has killed a man in his past, the second is a priest and the rest are just drunkards and you on the other hand is a business man. Now, here's the situation, you have been friends with these people for like half of your life and you've bonded with them but then, you don't have the qualities like them. So if I tell my father that my friends are murderers and drunkards, does that make me one? If they are not the same with each other, can they still be called friends?

How do you define a friend really? A lot of posts have been made about that on any social media out there and there are a lot of ideas that people have when it comes to making friends. They classify one as a bestfriend, a close friend, a friend, an acquaintance ( If that counts as a friend, but to some it does ), and etc. How do you go through those levels? How are you friends with strangers?

That idea has bogged me for quite some time really.

I never really place myself in just one group because I see myself in nothing. I try to fit in, I have done anything from smoking to drinking ( No drugs so maybe that doesn't make it everything? ) and to whatever you can think of, I just don't belong to any group.

How do you find yourself? Does anybody feel that way or is it just me?

I am friends with dogs, does that make me a dog? Maybe or maybe not.

I currently belong to a NETWORKING BUSINESS where it involves meeting strangers and making them your business partner in a way. I can see myself failing in it BUT I am now earning. Thought it is a bit hard to fit in with the team that I belong to, maybe it's due to the geographical differences, no one knows. Or maybe I am separating myself from them without me knowing? I hope not.

Is it possible to be a natural person repellent? Like your aura repels people, I do hope I don't stink that much. Lol

Though networking is fun since you will earn while meeting different personalities along the way. Facebook, twitter and instagrams are a form of networking but I'm not earning from it. Might as well get paid by doing networking. Right?

So back to the topic, how do you attract certain types of people? how do you know what to attract and how do you know that you would fit in a certain group of people?

Guess, we'll never know, right SPACE? hmm

Let us say, doubts and fears?

High school, what a time to be in to be carefree and to develop yourself both academically and physically or whatever if you have something to develop.

What about those people with no talents for any academic or non-academic activities? That's right. What happens to them? Well, nothing except for some annoying, awkward pubescent developments that might haunt you for the rest of your life. Cue in the laughter? not.

Some people outgrow their insecurities some doesn't. Some finds a way to find their trueself and other things. Like the movie It's Kind of a Funny story, not exactly alike but just movies like those where it ends in a weird emotional way where it gives you hope that it has/had ended in a good way but it hasn't? I know there's a term for that, I just forgot. lol

Anyway back to the topic, I am one of those who haven't let go of those insecurities. Actually I have a lot of things that I need to let go of and if we tackle them one by one, we need to spend twenty years for it.

It has affected me in a lot of aspects of my current life for example, my family relationships aren't that stable, well maybe all families are like that but I just feel like mine is a bit worse. The relationship I have with my partner is a bit shaky since I have a lot of insecurities and so I tend to be overprotective (which we all know that people hate that, even me! ).

Having those little problems will really mess you up, BIG TIME! that is what I'm trying to change right now. I wanted to have a positive and healthy life, if you know what I mean.

I have weakness for things that are out of control, I prefer things go smoothly the way they are planned and the way they are supposed to be. That's how I roll and I really need to get rid of that.

So one question SPACE, have you ever experienced something like that? are you a person like me whose life is full of drama? Maybe life is full of dramas and I just don't know how to react properly.

Wished there was a manual for things in life, it may sound boring but it does rid you of stress.

Right now I have a massive headache while typing things so you might get confused when the thoughts of this post is a bit off, Yes. I'm not that good of a writer and I hate editing so most of the things I have written here are plainly freefall. If I die from all grammatical errors or whatever error there is in here, there's your reason. Try jumping off a plane flying a thousand miles above ground without a parachute, let's see if you won't die.

So that will be my rant for this day. 

The old switcheroo! *wink*

Since I haven't blogged in quite a while now, I have decided to change things a little. I just haven't felt the whole "poem sort of thing" posts. Hmm

I am going to write from now on things that I feel and do since I wanted a place for me to vent out my feelings.

From now on I'm gonna call this The Space. Trying to send this letter sort of thing into the universe.

It may sound weird but when I tell people near me how I feel and think, it makes me a bit emotional and I can't really say everything!


To be honest, I'm not the writer kind of person, I will explain everything bit by bit in my further posts.

Writing this feels a bit weird since or maybe none will read this. LMAO but what the hell, I will do as I please.

I do also want to inspire people in a way on my future posts. So that will be it for now, I guess because it's 11 pm in the evening and I really need to get some sleep.

So to those who have read my past posts and to those who are interested in reading my future posts, hang on to your seats!

Oh and May I cut in that it is my birthday and besides from my immediate family, only 1 friend has greeted me. Figures. Anyway, goodnight!

Insomnia

Restless thoughts,

Pondering on things that never

Seems to go away

Repeating back and forth

Swaying from leaf to leaf

Drifting away as I listened to

My heart beat,

Smoking shisha in the middle

Of the night,

Hoping that any minute, things

May seem real,

Escaping the sound of heavy machineries,

From the road that is being constructed,

Paving what has been paved,

Fixing something that was never broken

Corrupting the flow of traffic, making it impossible

To pass by.

still

Floating adrift,

Thoughts hanging in bundles

With complex strings tightly

Wrapping every word

These uncharted waters,

As black as the night sky,

Silently moving east,

Feasting on my inevitable fear

Of loneliness,

Still pictures of my life, water, air

And the sky.

Damaged Goods

on a jolt of lightning,

streets crack, pavements broke
into billion pieces,

rivers of blood gushing through
every crack,

sharp rubble piercing the very
flesh, scarring.

birds fly, fishes swim, still stating
the obvious,

every wound leaves a mark

wiping tears, eyes to cheek
still it stays,

plunging on the very depths of misery,

on the brink of death, i soar.